Long and Luscious
Slow and slick
Growing Desire
Love and Passion
Light and flicker
You are my favorite sin
(Last night, I had a dream where I saw myself walking down a foggy street in Victorian-era London. I eventually reached the run-down boarding house where I lived and I stepped inside and it was only as I stepped inside that I realized that in my dream, I was Mary Kelly, the final victim of Jack the Ripper, and that, by stepping into that house, I was essentially walking to my death. Anyway, needless to say, that was enough to wake me up.
As for the historical Mary Kelly, she was a 25 year-old, redheaded, Irish Catholic, just like me. She died on November 9th, 1888. 97 years later, I was born on November 9th, 1985. Mary haunts me because she was so brutally murdered yet her murderer — to the best of our knowledge — was never captured and never punished. Like far too many women who have failed to live up to the standards of her society, she wasn’t given justice and she’ll never receive it. Instead, the man (or woman) who victimized her is a household name yet Mary Kelly remains forgotten.
Anyway, spending time thinking about this dream led to me jotting down the words below.)
Mary Kelly
A disengaged mind
Walking dark streets
Preying on us all
Listening for sounds
Of softly muffled cries
Hanging in the air
The dying of the light
You opened Pandora’s Box
You pulled out all I had
I lay on top of my bed
Lost in my sanctuary
The world entered my room
And stared inside of me
In the beginning I wanted you to think I was beautiful
my earrings
my diamond pendant
the sheer silk panties under
the tight weave of my dress revealing more than it hid
as the flashing warmth of my thigh
in a firm
lonely curve of disdain
brushed against you as we spoke
I wanted to hold
that soft unique quality
of a stranger’s bed after sex
just before the guilt
and the doubts creep into the shared
intimacy of false love
to live for a while in the immortal terror
of our dreams
It was a moment I wanted to savor
but you couldn’t wait
and it was over too quickly for you
With my clothes on the floor
and us against the bed
adjusting our hips
locking out everything but the sensation
With your mouth on the back of my neck
Your chest against my spine
Your breath on my right shoulder
Coming in quick bursts
as my body jerked violently trapped in your arms
So hard that it hurt
As your fingers dug into my flesh
So sharp that I hid my tears
You splashing me with your scent
through the communion of idolatory
The stale air starting to fill my lungs
And I shuddered
With you trapped inside
Shuddering in fiery rapture
My eyes closed shut
as you spread through me
And I wished that time could be forced
To give me an answer
On how to tell you
Why I am what I am
Why I am not what you think
Why I am more than just this
Why you should love me
And I wished you could say
That I am not what I know I am
But it was over too quickly
And the hateful satisfaction on your face told me everything
In a silent voice that spit venom
Sometimes, I feel like I'm dancing right into a wall.
1
Alan was my first, the one who claimed the prize
He was older and oh so forbidden
His car was small and oh so claustrophobic
Happy Birthday
2
Johnny’s the one I taunted for so many years
But whenever we went out, it just bored me to tears
I asked him about bondage and he replied in fear
He’s stoned
3
Michael called me Pandora and I called him Lestat
The day I met his mother, I wanted to go home
He joined the Marines and he called me on the phone
Gung Ho
4
James was really skinny and so very tall
The two weeks I spent with him was really quite a ball
But he liked to wear a kilt while hanging out in malls
No thanks
5
Patrick was a blonde that I led on just for a while
Don’t know how I felt about him but he always smiled
I guess it was convenient cause he didn’t live a mile
Away
6
Kim’s the one I hope knows I never meant to lie
Don’t know what I was thinking when we gave it a try
I told her I was moving and I very nearly died
Not quite
7
Tim was the frat boy with the toothpaste smile
A summer lifeguard who never read a book
We were so very cute but his nickname wasn’t worth the look
Smiley
8
Antonio was black, he taught me to play pool
Every time I missed a shot, I surrendered a few more rules
I let him win every time, that was pretty cool
I think
9
David was a darn nice guy who now likes other men
I thank the Lord in Heaven that we’re still friends
He buys a pack of cigarettes and we hang out in the West End
He’s gay
10
Damon bartended, stripped, and sang and not a whole lot more
He left his car running as he walked me to the door
That made me so very scared, why didn’t he want more?
Who knows?
11
Doug barely knew me but he worked across the street
When we worked the same night we’d grab a bite to eat
He said I was white trash, he wasn’t very nice to me
Me too
12
Chris was the best actor I had ever seen
That tattoo on his shoulder blade almost turned me green
He was too polite, he was never obscene
I walked
13
Dane, baby, why’d you go and break my nose, you liar?
Now the thought of seeing you unnerves me to the wire
Were you the only one who hoped to see me expire?
Psycho
14
Robert was drunk and stoned almost constantly
Never took on any great responsibility
Never ate the fruit of knowledge, never saw the tree
Dumbass
15
Charlie’s a soldier, he’s fighting a war of his own
Dyed his hair blue, defied the norm
He was good in the wintertime because he kept me warm
‘Til spring
16
Allen flew airplanes, he took me out to eat
We flew out to East Texas, that was pretty neat
He said he was too busy. I got out of my seat
And left
17
Christy lives down under, she helped me stay alive
We met online and she inspired me to take a dive
She had to leave no matter how much I cried
I’m sorry
18
I guess I must get on with things although I’m not sure how
Realistic words of wisdom are hard to find now
Despite my constant promises, I’ll always break this vow
No more.
Lisa Marie Bowman