(Disclaimer: I am not a doctor.  However, I do see a doctor on a fairly regular basis and I am a certified hypochondriac.  And I did watch the first season of Grey’s Anatomy as well as every single season of Lost, which featured several medically trained characters.)

ADD: Six Dexedrine a day

Asthma: Inhaler, ProAir

Bipolar Disorder: Lithium (use at your own risk)

OCD: Clean, clean, clean

Panic Attacks: Count to 10, Close eyes tight

Back Pain: Advil, Upgrade to a D-cup

Ankle Pain: Darvocet

Hyperopia: Contact lenses, glasses, squinting

Hunger: Sweet-and-sour chicken

Lack of Appetite: Lay off the speed

Cold: A big old comforter with a colorful floral design, Absorbing body heat

Hot: Air conditioning, Less clothes, No clothes

Underweight: Binge, Don’t Purge

Overweight: Diet, Walk, Gym, Wear black, Stay home

Sleepy: 10 capsules of Dexedrine every 6 hours

Insomnia: Dramamine

Insecurity: Black thong panties, a camera, and the bathroom mirror

Vanity: Stand in front of bathroom mirror, hold a ruler up to your nose.

Happy: Fox News, MSNBC, CNN

Sad: Movies, Cats, Shopping (Half-Price Books, Fry’s, Clare’s, Hot Topic, Urban Outfitters, H&M, The Limited, Victoria’s Secret), Drinking, Flirtation, Leave before he wakes up

Dry: Sitting in a dark movie theater with a friend

Wet: Always bring an extra pair of panties

Calm: Run in circles

Tense: Massage, Brownies

Period: Midol, Aleve, Vicodin, Tampax Pearl, Profanity and tears (if early), Panic (if late)

Straight: Perm, Rainy day, Curling iron, Fall into bed

Curly: Desert wind, Conair SS9

Conservative: Get laid

Liberal: Get dumped.

Lack of Creativity: Theft

Excessive Creativity: Isolation

Blandness: Suicide (Yes, that does seem like a bit extreme of a cure.  It also provides a wonderful incentive not to be bland, don’t you think?)

If the above cures don’t help, don’t call me in the morning.  You’ll just bring us both down.

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