In the beginning I wanted you to think I was beautiful

my earrings

my diamond pendant

the sheer silk panties under

the tight weave of my dress revealing more than it hid

as the flashing warmth of my thigh

in a firm

lonely curve of disdain

brushed against you as we spoke

I wanted to hold

that soft unique quality

of a stranger’s bed after sex

just before the guilt

and the doubts creep into the shared

intimacy of false love

to live for a while in the immortal terror

of our dreams

It was a moment I wanted to savor

but you couldn’t wait

and it was over too quickly for you

With my clothes on the floor

and us against the bed

adjusting our hips

locking out everything but the sensation

With your mouth on the back of my neck

Your chest against my spine

Your breath on my right shoulder

Coming in quick bursts

as my body jerked violently trapped in your arms

So hard that it hurt

As your fingers dug into my flesh

So sharp that I hid my tears

You splashing me with your scent

through the communion of idolatory

The stale air starting to fill my lungs

And I shuddered

With you trapped inside

Shuddering in fiery rapture

My eyes closed shut

as you spread through me


And I wished that time could be forced

To give me an answer

On how to tell you

Why I am what I am

Why I am not what you think

Why I am more than just this

Why you should love me

And I wished you could say

That I am not what I know I am

 

But it was over too quickly

And the hateful satisfaction on your face told me everything

In a silent voice that spit venom

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