Tag Archive: anger


Promises, Promises

Anger is the most frustrating of all emotions.

I speak from experience because, though you might not always be able to tell, I’m actually a very angry person.  To be honest, I think most people are.  Sometimes I feel like the whole concept of “personality” is just a defense mechanism that we use to try to keep others from realizing just how close we are to losing control of our emotions.  Personality is what we use to disguise the fact that we’re all essentially just the product of lost dreams, failed loves, and questions that will never be answered.

As I sit here right now, All About Eve is playing on the TV in front of me.  I love All About Eve and I was very much looking forward to seeing it but I’ve barely paid attention to it.

Instead, I’ve spent the entire film trying to deal with the anger that I feel towards one guy that I barely even know.  Without going into too many specifics, he basically made some comments regarding how I choose to express myself. 

Yeah, I know.  That’s pretty vague.

But why I’m angry with him isn’t really that important.  His comments were stupid and self-righteous and, sad to say, that same was probably true of my response.  (The difference between me and him is that I, at least, am capable of realizing this.)  What’s important is why one idiot could manage to piss me off so much as to ruin several hours out of my weekend.

Well, truthfully, he’s not the one who ruined those hours.  I am.  I’m the one who allowed his pointless comments to mean something to me.  Through my response, I gave him a prominence that he really doesn’t deserve.

Why did I do this?  This is a question that I’ve asked myself many times.  Why can’t I just let this stupid bullshit go?  Why do I insist on giving in to my irrational, immature impulses when I know that it’s just going to make things worse?

Because I’m angry.

I was angry before this idiot even knew I existed.  I was angry long before I ever had a twitter account.  I was angry before Facebook ever existed.  I’ve been angry my entire life.  25 years is a long time to be angry but I’ve managed to do it. 

My anger is not born out of hate.  My anger is fueled purely by pain.  Everyday is a struggle not to give into that pain and, with each passing year, I get a little bit better at fighting off that pain.  But far too often, I get hit in a moment of weakness and I give in.

I wish I didn’t.

I never feel good about it afterward.

Every day, I promise myself that I will no longer allow myself to be victimized by my own pain.

Some day, hopefully, I’ll actually be able to keep that promise.

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They apparently did a study over in Germany that indicates that older people enjoy reading negative stories about younger people.  They say that the study suggests that old people are jealous of young people and get some sort of comfort out of hearing about how stupid we all are.  I’m not totally sure who “they” are but whoever they are, I’m jealous.  I’d love to have enough free time to actually conduct and publish a study about something as obvious as generational resentment.

Then again, it’s probably a mistake to just assume that all resentment can be linked to age.  We resent and fear those who have what we don’t.  The old resent the young because the young still have a life ahead of them.  The poor resent the rich because the rich have money.  The rich resent the poor because the poor have the whole street mystique.  The middle class resent the rich and the poor because at least they have an identity beyond just being bland. 

Unfortunately, with each passing the day,  it becomes more obvious to me that resentment is the major motivator behind most human actions.  Sometimes, that resentment leads to greater things.  Sometimes, you get a case where someone strives to do his best just to prove that he is worthy of success.  Far too often, however, it seems like that resentment is turned into either a life philosophy or a political ideology.  That’s one thing about human beings.  We’re very good at finding excuses for our own selfishness.  Suddenly, class resentment is renamed “populism” and paranoia and self-righteous anger is defined as “independence.”

Me, I resent whoever’s currently competing on Dancing With The Stars and So You Think You Can Dance.  Because up until seven years ago, I fully believed that my entire life would be about dancing and standing on stage while waves of applause crashed over me.  But then one morning, I missed a step, tumbled down a flight of stairs, and ended up breaking my ankle in two places.  So much for dancing.  And that’s probably for the best because, even before that, I wasn’t really that good at it.  Once I stopped dancing, I started writing.  So, I think I can say that, in the end, it was a pretty good thing that I fell down those stairs 7 years ago. 

Still, whenever I hear anything negative about anybody who has ever been involved with either one of those shows, there’s a part of me that secretly smirks and thinks, “That’ll teach them to live my dream.”

The final paragraph of these type of essays are always supposed to offer up a solution for the problem or maybe some sort of dire warning about how the world’s going to wither and die if we don’t change our ways.  Well, I’ll offer up neither.  The fact of the matter is that there is no solution and there is no apocalypse.  There’s just human nature.

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